Feeling blue

I haven't wanted to use my blog as a place to vent but I'm feeling pretty blue today. I have less than 4 weeks of maternity leave left and we had the rug pulled out from under us with the whole day care thing. Oliver was supposed to be going to the daycare my work provides. It was going to be perfect; it's just down stairs from the lab where I work and I could go nurse and visit him when ever I wanted. If he needed me, I could be there in a millisecond! Dan would take him and I would pick him up. Everything was perfect until we went in to finalize all the details and they told us they had unexpectedly boomed in march and that it didn't matter that we were on the waiting list before those people. They told us they had no room until august or later. I couldn't even talk after she said that, I was on the verge of tears. The second we stepped outside the tears were coming like Niagara Falls. My first reaction was panic followed immediately by anger. I was angry that they made us think we were all set only to let us down at the last second, I was angry that we didn't have a back up plan, I was angry that we have no family or help to rely on, and more than anything I was angry that I have to go back to work at all. I felt mad at my husband for not having a better job, I don't want to be the bread winner, I want that to be his job. I never thought I would struggle so much with the idea of being a working mom. My mom never stayed home with me, as long as I can remember I was in day care. I love my job, I love contributing to my family financially and having that security. It made me feel, for lack of a better word, powerful! Now that my little boy is here, work feels like a massive weight hanging over my head ready to fall onto my shoulders in just under 4 weeks. I feel like in the corner of my brain there is a count down timer, ticking away and still no plan of action. I'm relying on my husband to figure out a way to only work after 1, when I get off. His work doesn't allow set schedules, esp for managers. He either has to quit or be demoted. I'm fine with either, I just want the security of having a plan in place. He doesn't seem nearly as freaked out as I am and it bothers me. If we can work it out, Oli will always be with one of us, and not in day care. Time seems like it's slipping away though. This may seem like a silly dilemma to some, just put the kid in day care and get over it, right? Millions of mom's do it every day, right? Wrong! Those millions of mom's aren't me and those kids are not my son. No one could possibly take care of my son the way I would want them too, except maybe family. Family is out of the question though because the nearest family, my sister, is 2.5 hours away. So Dan is filling out his application for the air force and we are both holding our breath. I feel like I'm having to choose between my husband and my child. I feel like the Air Force would be so amazing for Dan. Not just because it's a steady pay check, a way for me to be home with Oli, and a way to pay for college. It will be amazing for Dan because it's a source of confidence and direction, two things my husband desperately needs. I worry about what the sacrifice will be though. The military life is not for the faint of heart. It will demand a lot of strength from all of us, and I pray that we have that kind of strength. This is if Dan can even get in. His history of depression could be an automatic dis-qualifier, that and his weight. The poor guy has to gain 10 lbs... What I would give to have to gain 10 lbs! Anyways... I'm trying not to eat my feelings, the last thing I need is to be the one who gains weight here. I'm trying to see God's plan in this, find the positive and focus on his promise in Jeremiah; "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, TO GIVE YOU A FUTURE AND HOPE".